Postponing Grief

So the holidays are upon us.  It doesn't take long, does it?
Every December I say things like, "I can't believe it's Christmas!  Feels like the summer just ended!" and "Where did this year go?".  That's one of my favourites.
Where did this year go? 
I can tell you what I was doing all year: working.

When my dog died a couple years ago, work was my savior. I poured everything I had into my career not just because I love what I do but because I wanted to limit the time in my home as much as possible.  Everthing in my home reminded me of him.  From the front door where he would stand, tail wagging when I came home to that corner of the living room where his bed used to be.

After awhile, it got easier to be home without feeling sad.  His presence has faded a bit over the past year but the memories are still here - only the good ones. 
The last year of his life was quite difficult.  He was very sick and I had him in doggie diapers for over a year because I refused to let him go.  It was a really stressful time.
When he passed away, those memories were fresh and hurtful - I never thought I would have to struggle to recall them.  But now I do.  It's funny how that happens.  When someone we love dies, we don't remember the difficult times for long.  It's like a blessing the grieving process gives us.

My Grandmother died on October 14th and thus far, I have not fully mourned her.  I haven't even taken a day off work.  I'm afraid of mourning forever once I get started.  I'm afraid that I'll only remember the last three years of her life; sitting in a wheelchair in a convalescent home barely recognizing her family. 

So like any good Capricorn, I've thrown myself into it my work, hoping that it will be my savior again.
But I know it won't.  I'll have to get over the bad memories so I can get to the good ones. 
I'm not ready for this yet.

When life throws you the heavy stuff, you can either accept and deal with it or....you can postpone.
I prefer the latter.

A Controlled Environment

Lately, I've been working in a pressure-cooker.  Normally, during times like this, I go into 'Control Mode' and attempt to micro-manage everything and everyone around me.
But the sad truth is, I'm finding it hard to care. 

There comes a point in everyone's career that makes them feel this way. You know, that feeling like no matter how hard you work, shit happens so why care so much?
For me, I think it has a lot to do with age and the fact that I want to start focusing on more than just making billion-dollar companies even more money than they could possibly ever need.  In other words, I want to shake-off my 'Workaholic' label.

I wrote a while back about the pitfalls of working at a management level, ie. managing people.  But it's not just managing your direct reports that causes headaches, it's managing the relationship with fellow managers/colleagues. 
There is absolutely no course in school that can prepare you for dealing with fostering relationships with your colleagues.  It's something that you learn over time.  It's something that you need to work at every day (much like your personal relationships) to ensure a positive work environment.  And it's the key to success for both you and the company you work for.
Am I good at this?  Kind of.  Although lately, I feel like I'm losing my edge and I feel the Control Freak building up inside of me again.  I'm trying hard to keep it at bay.

I'm going to start planning my next vacation - travel always has a way of settling my nerves.  And maybe, just maybe, I may start caring again.

Blog Flaking 101

It's been so long since my last post, I forgot my password!

But I have been writing - promise!