Sunday, December 2, 2012

Postponing Grief

So the holidays are upon us.  It doesn't take long, does it?
Every December I say things like, "I can't believe it's Christmas!  Feels like the summer just ended!" and "Where did this year go?".  That's one of my favourites.
Where did this year go? 
I can tell you what I was doing all year: working.

When my dog died a couple years ago, work was my savior. I poured everything I had into my career not just because I love what I do but because I wanted to limit the time in my home as much as possible.  Everthing in my home reminded me of him.  From the front door where he would stand, tail wagging when I came home to that corner of the living room where his bed used to be.

After awhile, it got easier to be home without feeling sad.  His presence has faded a bit over the past year but the memories are still here - only the good ones. 
The last year of his life was quite difficult.  He was very sick and I had him in doggie diapers for over a year because I refused to let him go.  It was a really stressful time.
When he passed away, those memories were fresh and hurtful - I never thought I would have to struggle to recall them.  But now I do.  It's funny how that happens.  When someone we love dies, we don't remember the difficult times for long.  It's like a blessing the grieving process gives us.

My Grandmother died on October 14th and thus far, I have not fully mourned her.  I haven't even taken a day off work.  I'm afraid of mourning forever once I get started.  I'm afraid that I'll only remember the last three years of her life; sitting in a wheelchair in a convalescent home barely recognizing her family. 

So like any good Capricorn, I've thrown myself into it my work, hoping that it will be my savior again.
But I know it won't.  I'll have to get over the bad memories so I can get to the good ones. 
I'm not ready for this yet.

When life throws you the heavy stuff, you can either accept and deal with it can postpone.
I prefer the latter.