The Fear

I can feel it coming again, sneaking up from behind as it normally does. Just waiting for the right time to ravish me--invade all my thoughts.

I feel it tugging at me, begging me to be fed just before I drift off to sleep. I close my eyes knowing that in a few hours, I'll feel it again. It's relentless and works slowly because it doesn't want you to notice it until it's too late.

Morning comes and I am faced with yet another day of torment. I can still fight the good fight but I often lose. I often let the fear win--it's just easier this way.
As a child, I thought it would be left behind, it wouldn't make it into adulthood. I was wrong. Not only did it follow me, I invited it in for dinner. It has sat at my table for 25 years now.

You see, I've been through this before. My relationship with the fear is a volatile one and I know exactly who wears the pants and it's not me. Like a yo-yo, it keeps filling me up and then abruptly emptying me too quickly and I snap back, wanting for more. It always leaves me wanting for more.

Today, my clothes digging into me, I walk the aisles in search of something that won't hurt me. I search for something that won't induce a feeling of guilt.
I've yet to find it.

The Fear is back.

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One of my new favourite songs is by an artist named Lily Allen titled 'The Fear'. When I first heard the title, I laughed to myself as I have had The Fear myself for quite some time. Although, my fear is a lot different than the kind of fear Lily sings about.


The Fear
I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don`t care about clever I don`t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

I`ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
`Cuz everyone knows that`s how you get famous
I`ll look at the sun and I`ll look in the mirror
I`m on the right track yeah I`m on to a winner

Chorus
I don`t know what`s right and what`s real anymore
I don`t know how I`m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
`Cuz I`m being taken over by The Fear

Life`s about film stars and less about mothers
It`s all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn`t matter cause I`m packing plastic
and that`s what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
and its not my fault it`s how I`m program to function
I`ll look at the sun and I`ll look in the mirror
I`m on the right track yeah I`m on to a winner

Chorus
I don`t know what`s right and what`s real anymore
I don`t know how I`m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
`Cuz I`m being taken over by The Fear

Bridge
Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I`m killing them all on my own little mission
Now I`m not a saint but I`m not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I`m getting thinner

Chorus
I don`t know what`s right and what`s real anymore
I don`t know how I`m meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
`Cause I`m being taken over by fear