Monday, March 8, 2010

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards: List of Grievances

The Academy pissed me off so much this year, I may never watch again.
Ok, that’s me being a Drama Queen but seriously, last night was one big yawn.

Below is my list of grievances:

1. Where was my Cate? She’s been MIA for far too long now. The Oscars need her! The Red Carpet needs her even more.  

Even knocked up, she kills the Red Carpet

2.  Why was Doogie Howser singing and dancing on my TV? At first, I thought I had it on the wrong channel and then I thought my migraine was playing tricks with my eyes. Sadly, I was wrong. This is what the Academy offered us this year.

If he hosts next year, I’ll go to Hollywood myself to beg Billy Crystal to save this suffering program

3. SJP: here she is, poised for living up to her label ‘Fashion Icon’ and she shows up looking like this:

I take offense to this. The media shoves her down my throat every chance they get but really, she’s not a Fashion Icon. She just has (had?) a good stylist. I’m not buying it. This is what happens when Patricia Field goes on vacation.

4. Up in the Air didn’t win anything

5. This isn’t the Academy’s fault but I’ll blame them anyway: they only allow one major Canadian station (CTV) to broadcast from the Red Carpet. What does this mean for us Canadians? We have to sit through Ben Mulroney and Tanya Kim, the two most wooden people ever to hit television. Oh, and get this, Ben Mulroney actually said, and I quote; ‘You’re bigger than I thought you would be’ to the guy who co-stars on The Blind Side. (I don’t’ care enough to google his name). I don’t care who you are, you don’t want to hear that on a Red Carpet.
Nepotism isn’t doing Ben any favours.

6. Sandra Bollock wins for Best Actress (the biggest WTF moment in Oscar history)

7. The Red Carpet isn’t the same without Joan Rivers. The Academy takes itself too seriously. Maybe this will change now that they awarded Bollock Best Actress.

8. Brangelina didn’t show up.

9. Everyone hated Zoe Saldana’s dress but I loved it. It’s Givenchy Couture—you don’t mess with Givenchy Couture. People don’t have taste.

I hate people.

10. Instead of Sacha Baron Cohen , I had to sit through a Ben Stiller bit. Fuck.
But, I did learn something last night; he’s even less funny when he’s a different colour.

11. The dance sequence was really sad. The costumes (if you can call it that) were very boring. I felt like I was watching So You Think You Can Dance but the Canadian version.

12. Everyone was gushing over Gabourey’s dress. She looked TERRIBLE. Admit it people, that dress was a bad decision. I hate that fashion isn’t kind to plus-size women.

Marchesa is responisble for this.  Gabourey should sue.

13. Why so much hate for James Cameron? Sure, he’s anal-retentive and thinks he’s The King of the World but he’s also a brilliant filmmaker.

14. No Bea Arthur or Farah Fawcett tributes during the death montage. Some asshole decided they weren’t considered ‘film’ actresses.
Really, Academy? All you had to do was google BEATRICE ARTHUR and you would see her film credits. Also, if you did the same with FARAH FAWCETT, you would see that she has done plenty of films.

Perhaps you were too busy planning Doogie Howser’s dance number? Fuckers.

Five things that made me happy last night:

1. Kathryn Bigelow’s win (I think it’s pathetic that it’s 2010 and this is the first time a Woman won for best direction/picture) and the realization that she’s super sexy! I hope to read some rag mag stories about her sexual escapades with cabana boys soon.

2. Jeff Bridges finally won an Oscar and his wife was one of the best dressed. Loved her look.

3. Mo’Nique’s speech kicked ass. I love that she didn’t play the ‘game’. I have a whole new respect for her. AND she looked amazing.

4. Julianne Moore showed up, proving that most celebs will never be as gorgeous (and talented) as she is. She didn’t walk the Red Carpet because of this. Why hurt people’s feelings?

5. Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor.

The Academy better smarten up. I want less Doogie Howser and more Cate Blanchett next year.


Wendy aka Quillfeather. said...

Instead of watching the Academy Awards, I think I'll just mosey along straight to your blog.

Good review. My sentiments entirely :)

Jai Joshi said...

This post made me chuckle. I gave up on watching the oscars years ago. It's all a load of trumped up nonsense by self-important people who would cut each other's throats if they could. Know what I mean?

I do like monique, though. It's nice that she won. And you're right that Cate Blanchett rocks. If she's not around that it's really not worth paying attention.


The Uneasy Writer said...

That's too much pressure--please keep watching the Oscars. I know it's painful but why should I go through this alone???

I wish I could give up but the curiosity would kill me.
Also, I've been watching since I was a little girl--I love it.
But this year was the first year I've been this outraged.

shawnster said...

Hah! Great stuff. We're going to link to your Academy Awards grievances post on our site (under 'further matters'):


The Uneasy Writer said...

Thx Shawn!
I'll be sure to check out your site.


Lorna Byrne said...

Love that blog - a great assessment of the event :)

moderndaystoryteller said...

Ha! Never watch the Oscars again - miss out on bagging frocks and Doogie Howser? How will you live?
Speaking of Doogie, isn't it bad enough he was prancing around at the Emmys? What were they thinking?
And sure the Oscars & Red Carpet need Cate, but her kids need her more and she's in Sydney so suck it.
I liked Zoe's dress too so everyone else can go suck it.
Fave comment: "I hate people". THEY can go suck it.
And yeah, WTF with the Farrah & Bea snub! The Academy can go suck it. Bunch of wankers.
Thanks Drama Queen. Great post!

The Uneasy Writer said...

I love the word 'Wankers'!
Will surely be using that on an upcoming Tweet/Blog.
Whichever comes first.

moderndaystoryteller said...

Aussie word - Wanker. Let's start a #wanker trending topic on Twitter.