Ok, that’s me being a Drama Queen but seriously, last night was one big yawn.
Below is my list of grievances:
1. Where was my Cate? She’s been MIA for far too long now. The Oscars need her! The Red Carpet needs her even more.
Even knocked up, she kills the Red Carpet
2. Why was Doogie Howser singing and dancing on my TV? At first, I thought I had it on the wrong channel and then I thought my migraine was playing tricks with my eyes. Sadly, I was wrong. This is what the Academy offered us this year.
If he hosts next year, I’ll go to Hollywood myself to beg Billy Crystal to save this suffering program
3. SJP: here she is, poised for living up to her label ‘Fashion Icon’ and she shows up looking like this:
I take offense to this. The media shoves her down my throat every chance they get but really, she’s not a Fashion Icon. She just has (had?) a good stylist. I’m not buying it. This is what happens when Patricia Field goes on vacation.
4. Up in the Air didn’t win anything
5. This isn’t the Academy’s fault but I’ll blame them anyway: they only allow one major Canadian station (CTV) to broadcast from the Red Carpet. What does this mean for us Canadians? We have to sit through Ben Mulroney and Tanya Kim, the two most wooden people ever to hit television. Oh, and get this, Ben Mulroney actually said, and I quote; ‘You’re bigger than I thought you would be’ to the guy who co-stars on The Blind Side. (I don’t’ care enough to google his name). I don’t care who you are, you don’t want to hear that on a Red Carpet.
Nepotism isn’t doing Ben any favours.
6. Sandra Bollock wins for Best Actress (the biggest WTF moment in Oscar history)
7. The Red Carpet isn’t the same without Joan Rivers. The Academy takes itself too seriously. Maybe this will change now that they awarded Bollock Best Actress.
8. Brangelina didn’t show up.
9. Everyone hated Zoe Saldana’s dress but I loved it. It’s Givenchy Couture—you don’t mess with Givenchy Couture. People don’t have taste.
I hate people.
10. Instead of Sacha Baron Cohen , I had to sit through a Ben Stiller bit. Fuck.
But, I did learn something last night; he’s even less funny when he’s a different colour.
11. The dance sequence was really sad. The costumes (if you can call it that) were very boring. I felt like I was watching So You Think You Can Dance but the Canadian version.
12. Everyone was gushing over Gabourey’s dress. She looked TERRIBLE. Admit it people, that dress was a bad decision. I hate that fashion isn’t kind to plus-size women.
Marchesa is responisble for this. Gabourey should sue.
13. Why so much hate for James Cameron? Sure, he’s anal-retentive and thinks he’s The King of the World but he’s also a brilliant filmmaker.
14. No Bea Arthur or Farah Fawcett tributes during the death montage. Some asshole decided they weren’t considered ‘film’ actresses.
Really, Academy? All you had to do was google BEATRICE ARTHUR and you would see her film credits. Also, if you did the same with FARAH FAWCETT, you would see that she has done plenty of films.
Perhaps you were too busy planning Doogie Howser’s dance number? Fuckers.
Five things that made me happy last night:
1. Kathryn Bigelow’s win (I think it’s pathetic that it’s 2010 and this is the first time a Woman won for best direction/picture) and the realization that she’s super sexy! I hope to read some rag mag stories about her sexual escapades with cabana boys soon.
2. Jeff Bridges finally won an Oscar and his wife was one of the best dressed. Loved her look.
3. Mo’Nique’s speech kicked ass. I love that she didn’t play the ‘game’. I have a whole new respect for her. AND she looked amazing.
4. Julianne Moore showed up, proving that most celebs will never be as gorgeous (and talented) as she is. She didn’t walk the Red Carpet because of this. Why hurt people’s feelings?
5. Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor.
The Academy better smarten up. I want less Doogie Howser and more Cate Blanchett next year.